my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
