Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
