grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
