I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
