Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
