He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
