I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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