I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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