Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
