she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
