I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
