I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
