I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
