im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
