Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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