My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
