i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
