the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
