I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
