I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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