Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
