I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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