Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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