I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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