Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
They are going to name an STD after you.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
