guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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