I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I could fuck to npr.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
