i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
