the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
