My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
