So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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