I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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