Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
