Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
