I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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