my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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