I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
i think i just lost a toe
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
