Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
