guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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