I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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