Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
