is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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