i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
