I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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