I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
