Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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