Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
