my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
