i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
