Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
