At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
